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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Moving Right Along

Hello my friends and Kookas-

It is with a mix of regret and gratitude that I write the final entry on this blog. We're migrating over to wordpress because it offers more options and room for growth into our site as we build it from the ground up.

We've had such good times with this blog! It seems like just yesterday we were watching JS Miami and arguing about threesomes. Leaving this blog is like saying goodbye to an old car. The time has come though. The air conditioning and transmission just gave out. Here are some links:

Our new blog:

http://jerseyshorefantasyleague.wordpress.com

Our twitter:

twitter.com/TheJSFL

Our Facebook Page


http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Jersey-Shore-Fantasy-League/141416495941141


And finally you can always email us at:

Jerseyshorefantasyleague@gmail.com


Thanks so much for playing. Hopefully we'll see you on the other site. That's the Situation.

Matt

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Numbers Post




What is up my #JSFL kookas?

It feels great just writing that. What better way to get excited for another season of reality television fantasy league than with a hard look at Jersey Shore stats. With that in mind I present you the reader with the 2011 Draft Cheat Sheet. Enjoy that situation.

We're going to break this post up by athlete, analyze their strengths and weaknesses, scoring averages, points per minute, etc... Three graphs for each individual: Miami, Back to SeaSide and both. I've also calculated a percentage chance for scoreless episode, represented as CSE. Lots of good stuff. Let's get to it.

The Situation




13.98 Points Per Episode (hereafter PPE)
.331 Points Per Minute (hereafter PPM)
346.5 Points
8% CSE

When we talk Situation we're talking consistency. He had the fewest goose eggs for both seasons (2), led the league in Miami in points per episode (17.08 PPE), finished in the top 50% back in seaside PPM (.259), and a league leading 13.98 PPE over-all. Perhaps most spectacularly, the Situation has a 8% chance of putting up no score with his 2 goose eggs in 25 appearances. Let's get a visual representation of his scoring:

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both Seasons



Also consider that The Situation is the second place over-all point leader with 346.5 points. I think The Situation is a building block, like drafting Peyton Manning or Kobe four years ago. You're not going to kill anyone but you can build a team around a well-rounded point effort. If you want to talk all-out scoring blitz though...


Sammi Sweetheart


13.915 PPE
.331 PPM
350 Points
28% CSE

Looking at these numbers has absolutely blown my mind. Everyone, myself included, has written off Sammi as some long-legged Ron accessory but she has crushed him and everyone else in the league. She's the clubhouse scoring leader with 350 points, over both seasons she's averaged 13.915 PPE (second only to the Situation), and tied the Situation with a leading .331 PPM. I've seriously been questioning even sharing this post with you guys in case someone decides to take her in the second round and I lose my chance. Here are the graphs:

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both Seasons



The one draw-back to Sam is that when she stinks, she stinks hard. In the end of the Miami season she put up 4 consecutive goose-eggs so if you're relying on her to win a weekly match-up you could get screwed. Statistically then she has a 28% chance of putting up a score which is scary if she's your stalwart. Caveat emptor. Want to talk risky JS stock?

Ronnie

11.46 PPE
.272 PPM
285 total points
44% CSE

I think we all know what happens when the Ron-Ron Juice starts flowing. Here we have a guy capable of an arrest-free 50 point outing who has to face the contradiction of a bottom four PPE and an absolutely abysmal CSE. With Ron you get the chance of a big episode but you also have the almost 50% chance that he will do nothing. Simmons' league is absolutely misguided taking Ron anything other than bottom of the barrel second round pick. Even then I'd stay away. Better value elsewhere.

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both



Just look at all those zeroes... Now let's talk consistency but low upside.

DJ Pauly D

10.22 PPE
.239 PPM
252 points
20% CSE

Anyone who has had DJ Pauly D on their team will tell you that he is the single most frustrating player in the league. Every night he's in Karma you can't help but think that he could hook up with all the trashbags in there. Yet his average points speak to his poor performance. 6th place PPE and 6th place total points. I think we're all waiting for the DJ to finally put up the numbers we know he's capable of. He had one 50 pt outing last season. Too little too late.

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both Seasons



Unless DJ Pauly D starts putting up numbers I'm not sure he's anything better than a third round pick, however much I might enjoy his television company.

Snooki


11.585 PPE
.272 PPM
290.5 points
32% CSE

Ever since our first draft during which Snooki was off the board by the 4th pick I thought she was over-rated. She's 4th in over-all points (290.5), has an average PPE, PPM and CSE, and annoys the bejesus out of me. Basically the only reason she's so popular is because she got punched in the face and then shit-canned on the beach. Not impressed. Still a second round pick.

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both



You know who is solid though?

Vinnie

12.2 PPE
.287 PPM
303.5 points
28% CSE

The Vinshow lived up to all hype last year: we billed him as the guy with a lot to prove who doesn't creep out the girls and gets a lot of tail and he did just that. How his repertoire will play with the Italian girls who (maybe) have no idea who he is is anyone's guess. But with Vinnie you get a consistent scorer with a low CSE and an above average PPE. He's one of three players to rack up more than 300 points and in a good week can be a great role-player and chick slayer.

Miami



Back to Seaside




Both



Vinnie isn't attractive though. Which is just a clever tie in to the resident sexpot...

Jenni Jwoww

7.505 PPE
.174 PPM
189 points
36% CSE

Oh Jwoww, when I first saw you I thought my reality television dreams had finally come true. Here was a bodacious, slutty looking girl who loved to fight, who threatened to pray on men like a mantis, who wore no clothes and swore and drank like a sailor. And then she got one boyfriend. And then she got another. Intermittent scoring, lots of goose eggs, an absolutely atrocious 189 points. When I see Jwoww I see wasted potential that I'd like to hook up with. It's sad.

Miami



Back to Seaside



Both Seasons



I'm still sad. Speaking of people I'd hook up with...

Trashbags

13.1 PPE
.251 PPM
131 Points
8% CSE


Angelina's time was too brief. I shouldn't even cover her but I do specifically to high light the worst player in the league. See Angelina's CSE? That's tied with the Situation. Check that PPE? Not too shabby over ten episodes. Here's a graph:

Miami



Most important: look at her point total. That's 131 points over ten episodes. . Let's turn to...

Deena


4.34 PPE
.103 PPM
56.5 points
48% CSE

So basically Deena is the worst. You could double her points and she'd still fall short of Angelina's mark. We all thought going in that Deena would be a blast in a glass. She's quotable but quotes don't put points on the board. If she's not the last person on the board I'll be shocked.





Alright y'all. That's enough for now. I have the spread sheet though so at some point in the next week or so I'm going to do a few team comparisons, look at the successes and failures, examine bench/star plays, etc...

But for now...

That's the situation.

Matt Sisto
#JSFL President and CEO

Monday, March 28, 2011

Year of the Frog: Final Points




It is with both joy and sadness that I start our final Jersey Shore Fantasy League post. What a season it has been. Lots of lead changes, lots of disputes, but we all came out on the other side stronger for it. I'm proud of you guys. Let's hear what the commissioner has to say.

Subject: FINALE IS HERRRRREEE


My dear fellow JSFLers,

Wow. Writing this summary, I feel like our beloved shore kids at the end of this episode: we've had our highs and lows, fights and laughs, and while we'll all (hopefully) be back next season, we're still going to miss our regular interaction. It's been a helluva year, though. Doesn't it seem so long ago that we were drafting over AIM? Or watching a wasted Snooki get arrested? These are the moments that stay with you for life.

Personally, I think this episode was the perfect way for our silly little game to come to an end: confusing, emotional, controversial (we'll get there), high-scoring (everybody put up points!), and most importantly, including Uncle Nino. Before I give you the breakdown, let me explain a few point decisions.

Snooki got make-out and hook-up points, but not points for bringing home a random, based on the ruling a few weeks ago regarding Roger, that said you're only a 'random' the first time you go home.

I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that J-Woww and Roger had sex that final night after becoming official. But, unfortunately, I cannot give her the points. There was no evidence in the episode, and my gut instinct is insufficient.

There were a few borderline cries, so I went with a standard of audible weeping or visible tears, not voice breaks. Still a fair bit of crying to be had.

Finally, I did not give break-up points again to Ron and Sam, as I don't think their recent relapse qualifies them as a reestablished couple.

That said, let's go to the scoreboard:

Sammi scored 4: cried once (4)
Snooki got 24: cried (4), made out (5) and got it in (15 - no bonus for whiskey dick)
Deena (on the finale, she's no longer New Girl) got one: she said 'situation'
J-Woww got 9: made out (5), and cried (4)

Ronnie got 7: Inappropriate work conduct (3), and cried (4)
Mike brought home 1: he said "situation"
Vinnie and Pauly each got 5 for the makeouts in Karma

That's how it breaks down. I'd like to congratulate my friend Chris 'Frog' Felicetta onWeek his strong rookie season. I think I can get a bunch of people in for next year. I still think that we should try a head-to-head format. Maybe try to get 16 - and go two divisions of 8 with a playoff situation (one point for me)? These are the things we need to think about.

Until then, my friends, I'll see you on the twitters and blogs, and wherever there is bad reality television merged with low-stakes gambling...

'I'm in Italy, bitch!'

Much love,
Commissioner Amsterdam

**************

God it makes me sad that there are only so many times I'll read "makeout in Karma" in the next few months. Oh yeah, points are herreee yeeaaaahhh:

Week 13 Line-ups:

Owen: Snooki star (48), Deena (6), Jwoww (9)
Andy: Vinnie star (10), Snooki (24), Jwoww (9)
@ckalange: Deena star (12), Snooki (24), Sammi (4)
@poloshot: Jwoww star (18), DJ Pauly D (5)
Frog: Ronnie star (14), Sammi (4), Vinnie (5)
@NotPinnock: DJ Pauly D star (10), Jwoww (9)
@mikedashin: DJ Pauly D star (10, Sammi (4)
@mattsisto: Sammi star (8), DJ Pauly D (5)

Week 13 Team Scoring:

Owen: 63
Andy: 43
@ckalange: 40
@poloshot: 23
Frog: 23
@notpinnock: 19
@mikedashin: 14
@mattsisto: 13

The FInal Scores:

The Jersey Shore Fantasy League 2011 Season Champion is Frog with a #JSFL record 899 points. To further congratulate him I've put his picture at the top of the blog post. Congrats Frog! Great win.

2) @ckalange 839.5 points
3) @mattsisto 628 points
4) Owen 627.5 points
5) Andy 621.5 points
6) @poloshot 579.5 points
7) @mikedashin 531.5 points
8) @NotPinnock 497.5 points

***********

Can you fucking believe how narrowly I edged out Owen for third place? Tough beat man.

I'd love to hear from anyone and everyone with some feedback on how to improve the league. I'm already planning a post in the post-season about ideas and things we can do diffrently next year. I'm also going to look into expanding so I'd love to hear what shows you'd all be interested in playing. As innaugural members I can promise that you'll play for free for ever even when I'm hustling people for money on the just announced FantasyTelevision.com. All in due time of course.

Be well my friends, glad we situated this situation up in this situation.

Matt Sisto, #JSFL CEO

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Final Countdown: Week 12 Points




I put up a sluty picture of Jwoww because she's the only one who can change the leaderboard right now. More on that after the scores.

What's happening #jsfl kookas?

Tonight is the final episode and we're coming right down to the wire. For third place. The top two spots are pretty much sealed.

I don't remember what happened last week so we're going to have to go with the commissioners score to remind ourselves. Here it is:

Subject: One Week Left

Ok, I'm hungover, so let's do this quickly.

We have one episode left. Had to get points in ASAP. So here they are.

Sammi - 34: cried (4), made out with roommate (5x1.5=7.5) and smashed with roommate (15x1.5=22.5)
Ronnie - 30: made out with roommate (5x1.5=7.5) and smashed with roommate (15x1.5=22.5)
Vinnie - 15: Got a piercing (10) and brought home a random (5)
Pauly - 5: brought home a random
Mike - 28: inappropriate work conduct (3), got fired (25)

Nothing from Snooki, Jenni or the New Girl. Last episode to make a move. Good luck #JSFLers!

Commish Commish

*************

I should note that not a single team played Situation this week. Too bad because he put up some points. Anyways...

Week 12 Line-Ups:

Frog: Ronnie star (60), Sammi (34), Snooki (0)
@ckalange: Sammi star (68), Snooki (0), Deena (0)
@mikedashin: DJ Pauly D star (10), Sammi (34)
@mattsisto: DJ Pauly D star (10), Sammi (34)
@poloshot: Vinnie star (30), Jwoww (0), DJ Pauly D (5)
Andy: Snooki star (0), Vinnie (15), Jwoww (0)
@NotPinnock: DJ Pauly D star (10), Jwoww (0)
Owen: Deena star (0), Jwoww (0)

Week 12 Team Scoring:

Frog: 94
@ckalange: 68
@mikedashin: 44
@mattsisto: 44
@poloshot: 35
Andy: 15
@NotPinnock: 10
Owen: 0

Big Board After Week 12:

1) 876 points Frog
2) 799.5 points @ckalange
3) 615 points @mattsisto
4) 578.5 points Andy
5) 564.5 points Owen
6) 556.5 points @poloshot
7) 517.5 points @mikedashin
8) 478.5 points @NotPinnock



And that's the leaderboard going into tonight's final episode. No surprises who is winning. I don't think anyone can stop Frog now. Best we can hope for is a competitive third place fight. That can happen if:

Deena and Jwoww have a big night for Owen and Andy. Vinny can also come up big for Andy's team to propel him over me.

@notpinnock can overtake @mikedashin for 2nd to last if Jwoww plays big for him too.

What's Jwoww going to do? Hopefully something spectacular. That's why I put her picture up.

See you all in the off-season situation.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Uncle Nino Makes Everything a-Nice: Week 11 Points





Two posts in one day? We've got a situation. Let's get to it. From the Commissioner:

Subject: Two Weeks Late is Better than Never

Hey JSFLers.

Happy March Madness, gentlemen. This would typically be my favorite time of year, but I got KILLED in my picks last week, so screw it. My favorite day of the year is 9 days away... MLB OPENING DAY!!!! Oh, the glory awaits.

A few points I want to make about this episode, before moving to scores.

First, UNCLE NINO! This show needs more of him. Or, he needs his own show. Can he please go to Italy with them next season?

Two, if you watch this episode again, watch carefully when they all leave Karma the first time. There's a TINY dude (talking like 5 foot nothing) walking next to J-Woww. He doesn't show up in the house, so no random points. But I would love to know more.

Finally, two related points, stemming from the dog release plot. One, Mike has officially crossed the line into one of the creepiest individuals on the planet. How is he a member of society? And two, this season has had far too much excrement-related subplots: public micturation/defecation, Snooki talking about her bowel movements far too much, the clogged toilet, now this? I'm not a fan.

That said, enough about piss and shit. On to points:

Sammy got 19: made out with Ronnie twice (10x1.5=15) and cried once (4)
Snooki took home 20: brought home a random (5) and got it in (15)
Ronnie got 15: made out with Sammy twice (10x1.5=15)
Mike got 1: Said his self-proclaimed nickname once.

That's it for points. Not as much scoring as we all would hope - not unlike my Knicks lately... god, I hate Mike D'Antoni.

On to the next episode!
Your commissioner (who makes even less than the $1 that Roger Goodell makes... and does a better job than he does)

**************

Oh Yeah Week 11 Line-Ups Yeeaaahhhh:

Frog: Ronnie star (30), Sammi (19), Snooki (20)
@ckalange: Sammi star (38), Situation (1), Snooki (20)
Owen: Ronnie star (30), Jwoww (0), Snooki (20)
Andy: Snooki star (40), Vinny (0), Deena (0)
@NotPinnock: Ronnie star (30), Situation (1), DJ Pauly D (0)
@mattsisto: DJ Pauly D star (0), Situation (1), Sammi (19)
@mikedashin: DJ Pauly D star (0), Ronnie (15) Deena (0)
@poloshot: DJ Pauly D star (0), Situation (1), Vinny (0)

Week 11 Team Scoring Yeah:

Frog: 69
@ckalange: 59
Owen: 50
Andy: 40
@notpinnock: 31
@mattsisto: 20
@mikedashin: 15
@poloshot: 1

Big Board After Week 11:

1) 782 points Frog
2) 731.5 points @ckalange
3) 571 points @mattsisto yeaahhh
4) 564.5 points Owen
5) 563.5 points Andy
6) 521.5 points @poloshot
7) 473.5 points @mikedashin
8) 468.5 points @NotPinnock

So what have we situated here?

Frog and @ckalange have pulled away for the top ranking I think. Whether @ckalange can pull out a second league championship is anyone's guess but 50 points is not an impossible number if the Situation has a great outing.

It is literally neck in neck (neck to neck?) for third place. I have 6.5 point on Owen and 8 points on my brother. @poloshot could rally too with a great outing from Jwoww and if I don't get anything from Sammi.

The third place contestant, yours truly, is also in a tough spot having mismanaged his roster. He's stuck with DJ and Sammi going into the final stretch. Not a great line up to try to finish in the money.

Finally, the fight to not be the goose is down to @mikedashin and @NotPinnock. 5 point difference. Whose it going to be?

That's the situation. See you next week.

DJ PAULY DIZZLE: Week 10 Points




What's up #JSFL Kookas?

This happened so long ago I'll try to remember the events of the episode for you: Sam, Ron and Snook put cheese in the King of Comedy's bed; I think Jwoww micturated (pee-peed) on the street; DJ Pauly D came back swinging with 50 points. Here's the Commisioner's email:

Subject: Higher Scoring than Mike on an STD Test

Hey boys hey boys hey boys!

Sorry for the delay this week. I was calling doctors trying to find out if you can get an STD from head. I let a guy suck me off for some crack, and considering the looks of that bum, it may have been a bad idea.

But enough jokes about crippling drug addiction. Let's move to something far less healthy - The Shore House!

The only issue I need to discuss this week: Has that impostor known as 'Paul' finally been thrown over by DJ Pauly D?!? It's too early to tell after one episode, but the DJ threw up a YUGE WEEK, DOGGIE. YUUUUUUUGE WEEK. (That's a little Francesa humor for @NotPinnock). Fortune favors the bold - and I, for one, could not be happier that Your Commissioner started the DJ this week. On that note, on to scores:

I gave J-Woww 'public indecency' points for her street pee. Note to @mattsisto - can we add some sort of public urination/defecation points for next season? (speaking of excrement, I'm so glad the clogged toilet is gone from our lives. What a terrible addition to the show. Almost as bad as Angelina) As such:

Jenni - 5 points: (public indecency=5)
Snooki - 4 points: (cried=4)
MVP TIIIIMMEE
Mike - 21 points: (said Situation=1)+(brought home a random=5)+(mouth-smushed=15) [commish note - in the interest of equality, Mike got smush points for the BJ, just like Deena did for the cunning linguist]
Vinny - 25 points: (brought home a random=5)+(made out=5)+(smashed=15)
DJ PAULY D!!!! -50 points: (brought home two random=5x2)+(made out twice=5x2)+(banged twice=15x2)

No points this week for Ron, Sam or NG.

I'm sure someone will complain about the scoring, but I'm satisfied. And all-powerful. So, yeah.

Sorry about the very long - and very dirty - post this week. I'm bored as hell in morning class.

Benediction, no affliction
The One and Only Commish

**********************

Week 10 Line-Ups Yeeaaahhhhh

@poloshot: Vinnie star (50), Situation (21), DJ Pauly D (50)
@notpinnock: Ron star (0), Situation (21), DJ Pauly D (50)
@mattsisto: Vinnie star (50), Situation (21), Sammi (0)
Andy: Vinnie star (50), Snooki (4), Jwoww (5)
Frog: Vinnie star (50), Snooki (4), Ronnie (0)
@ckalange: Situation star (42), Snooki (4), Sammi (0)
Owen: Snooki star (8), Ronnie (0), Jwoww (5)
@mikedashin: Deena star (0), Ronnie (0), Sammi (0)

Oh Yeah Week 10 Team Scoring Yeeeeeaahhhhh

@poloshot: 121
@notpinnock: 71
@mattsisto: 71
Andy: 59
Frog: 54
@ckalange: 46
Owen: 13
@mikedashin: 0

Big Board After Week 10:

1) 713 points (Frog)
2) 672.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 551 points (@mattsisto
4) 523.5 points (Andy)
5) 520.5 points (@poloshot)
6) 514.5 points (Owen)
7) 458.5 points (@mikedashin)
8) 437.5 points (@NotPinnock)


I will try to blog points as I get them. Hopefully we can catch up for the finale in two weeks so we know who to root for/against. Still pretty stagnant in the top two positions but third place is very much up for grabs.

That's how the situation is situated.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Jersey Snore: Week 9 Points


There wasn't anything exciting from last week so I thought I'd put up a sweet picture of A-Rod riding an escalator.

Last week: so boring. My one hope is that there's a Situation/Vinshow fight brewing. But that's just speculation. I'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Ronnie blow up with Sam's return. More speculation. Let's get to last weeks' all time low scoring episode. (I actually went back to look at last season and this is by far the lowest scoring ep ever)

Here's the Commish:

Subject: This episode doesn't deserve a clever subject

So, I think that Matt's tweet was most accurate: this was the lowest scoring episode yet, but a fairly entertaining one. I've been over the Sitch for a while now, but I love the cab prank. He killed that buzz, though, with the creepy pretend dinner party.

That said, there were only two scorable events: Mike saying "situation" a few times, and one work crew taking an excessively long lunch (worth lateness points to me!). Here's the breakdown:

NG - late = 1 point
Paul - late = 1 point
Michael - late, said Situation twice = 3 points

There you go. Less exciting than the Oscars. Fuck it.

Bored,
Your Commish

************

At least the Knicks won though.

Week 9 Line-ups and Points:

@mattsisto: Vinshow star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@ckalange: Snooki star (0), Situation (3), Deena's Kook (1)
@poloshot: Vinshow star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@notpinnock: Ron star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@mikedashin: Deena star (2), Ron (0), Sammi (0)
Andy: Snooki star (0), Deena (1), Jwoww (0)
Owen: Ron-ron star (0), Snooki (0), Deena's kooka (1)
Frog: Snooki star (0), Vinshow (1), Sammi Sweetheart (0)

Week 9 Team Scoring:

@mattsisto: 4
@ckalange: 4
@poloshot: 4
@notpinnock: 4
@mikedashin: 2
Andy: 1
Owen: 1
Frog: 1

Big Board after Week 9:

1) 659 points (Frog)
2) 626.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 501.5 points (Owen)
4) 480 points (@mattsisto)
5) 464.5 points (Andy)
6) 458.5 points (@mikedashin)
7) 399.5 points (@poloshot)
8) 366.5 points (@NotPinnock)


So there you have it. Worst. Week. Ever. Oddly I was still entertained. See you all next week.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dr. Situation: Week 8 Points




Deena's Kooka gets the party started. Now Let's get some points up in this bitch.

Here's the Commissioners weekly accounting:

Subject: The Melo Shore

Other alternatives:
MELOOOOO IS HERRRRRRE
Melo Melo Juice Gets the Party Started
Melo and the STATuation
I'm in the Garden, Bitch!

So, moving away from Melo (who will put up a much higher scoring average for the rest of the year than DJ Pauly D), I just realized that I've had last week scored since Friday, but never sent it in. I'll get to points in a second, but first:

QUESTION FROM THE COMMISH: Is this the best quote in the history of the show?
"Some days, I'm Uncle Situation, Doctor Situation, Chef Situation, Bang-Your-Girl Situation. I'm a pretty deep dude."

I don't know about you, but if my uncle is also my doctor and my chef, that's OK. But I'd rather he not bang my girl. But I'm not as deep as Mike.

Moving to points:
Snooki ? (25): made out (5), brought home random (5), smush (15)
NG ? (4): cried (4)
Sam ? (4): cried (4)

Ron ? (12): cried three times (4x3)
Paul ? (1): said 'situation' (1)
Mike ? (7): said 'situation' seven times (1x7)
Vin ? (27): said 'situation' twice (1x2)(I'm including 'snitchuation' in this), brought home random (5), made out (5), smush (15)

Two points:
One, what does it say when Sammi (who we all thought was GONE for the week) outscored J-Woww (who was very much on the show?). Weak week.

Two, I am of the policy that smush points should be awarded liberally. I know we've fought over this, but that's clearly established policy. As such, I think there's sufficient evidence that two bonings were likely this week: Snooki and Vin. Vin is less clear, but when you're making out in your bed with the lights off and the shirt off, trying desperately to get Sitch to leave you the fuck alone, I think you probably got it in. Until MTV makes a premium version where you get to see the action for $9.95 per episode (interesting business venture?), its clues like these which will constitute my interpretation.

That's all from me this week. Remember...
YEAH, UH HUH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS: STAT AND MELO, STAT AND MELO, STAT AND MELO, STAT AND MELO.

Yours,
Commish

************

I'm with The Commish on the liberal scoring. Like any other sport the JSFL is most fun when people are putting up big points. Now let's break it down.

Week 8 Line-ups and Points:

Andy: Snooki star (50), Vinny (27), Deena's Kooka (4)
Frog: Ron-Ron star (24), Vinny (27) Snooki (25)
@poloshot: Vinny star (54), Uncle Situation (7), Jwoww (0)
@ckalange: Snooki star (50), Dr. Situation (7), Deena's Kooka (4)
Owen: Ron-Ron star (24), Snooki (25), Deena's Kooka (4)
@mattsisto: Chef Situation star (14), Vinny (27), DJ Pauly D (1)
@mikedashin: Ron-Ron star (24), Deena's Kooka (4), DJ Pauly D (1)
@notpinnock: Jwoww star (0), Ron-Ron (12), DJ Pauly D (1)

Week 8 Team Scoring:

Andy: 81
Frog: 76
@poloshot: 61
@ckalange: 61
Owen: 53
@mattsisto: 42
@mikedashin: 29
@notpinnock: 13

Big Board after Week 8:

1) 658 points (Frog)
2) 622.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 500.5 points (Owen)
4) 476 points (@mattsisto)
5) 463.5 points (Andy)
6) 456.5 points (@mikedashin)
7) 395.5 points (@poloshot)
8) 362.5 points (@notpinnock)

**********

So there we have it after 8 weeks of Jersey Shore Fantasy League action. The guys in the top spot are in a league of their own right now but an unexpected big week from DJ or Ron could change that in a one week swing. Meanwhile the chase for third place is a four man race right now. @NotPinnock is going to have to make some smart roster decisions to keep himself in it. It's always crunch time in the JSFL.

Sometime in the next week or so I'm going to break down bench/star stats for each team to try to see if any teams have an edge having to sit or start any star players. There are probably ten-12 episodes left.

Are teams with Ronnie screwed?

Is it just coincidence that teams that played Pauly D consistentely finish in the bottom of the leaderboard?

That last one was a rhetorical question. DJ Pauly D is more like DJ Disappointment

That's the situation, my Kookas. I'll see you soon with more dirty JSFL action.

Dr. Situation.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ron-Ron Juice Gets the Party Started: Week 7 Points




What's up my Kookas? Let's get these points down! Big action this week. From the Commish:

Subject: Points-Points Gets the Party Started

So, kind of a weird episode this week. A whole lot going on, but not many points. I meant to write this recap right after watching the episode, but I got distracted by something shiny, so a few of my feelings have been forgotten. A few highlights for your beloved Commish:

The triumphant return of Ron Ron juice (maybe when you're looking to fight, you shouldn't be carving a watermelon with a huge knife, looking to blend it with a lot of vodka)

One of my new favorite moments in the show's history: when the fight between Ron and Sam spilled into the smush room, mostly for Ronnie yelling ?I'm gonna fuck three bitches in this bed, and I'm gonna fuck the shit out of them!?. Stay classy, Ron Ron

J-Woww's sex attire. Wow. I wish I had seen that before I met her on Wednesday, though I'd probably end up stammering or panting or... um... visibly aroused. So probably for the best.

Snooki's analogy of the bed and the doorway: does anyone honestly believe her 'pinhole' is as small as she asserts?

That's all I have for the moment. Let's get to points.

At the risk of angering Charlie for the 972nd time this season, I've decided to award the break-up points this week. There was too much evidence at the start of the show that they still considered themselves a couple. Ron and Sam, as such, were the biggest point winners (with Sam crushing it by crying so goddamn much!), with not too much support fro the remaining players:

Sammi : (58): cried a lot (7 times by my count) (4x7), broke up (20x1.5)
Ronnie : (42): cried thrice (4x3), broke up (20x1.5)
J-Woww : (15): sexytime! (15)
Michael : (1): said ?Situation? once (1)

Sadly, that's all the scoring this week. Next week very well could be similar, with a Ron-centric show and no Sam. We'll see how long she's gone, and whether he leaves. Could be an interesting change of dynamic if they're gone for a while.

Finally, today is two of my favorite holidays in one: Pitchers and Catchers, and the anniversary of the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. I hope you enjoy the day by watching old baseball footage, and the History channel movie about the massacre narrated by Paul Sorvino (showing this afternoon at 3pm/est).

Benediction no affliction,
Commish Amsterdam

*************

So how does it all shake out? Let's do this thang.

Week 7 Line-ups and Points:

Frog: Sammi star (116), Ronnie (42), Snooki (0)
@mikedashin: Ronnie star (84), Sammi (58), DJ Pauly D (0)
@ckalange: Sammi star (116), Situation (1), Deena's Kooka (0)
@mattsisto: Sammi star (116), Situation (1), Vincenzo (0)
Owen: Ronnie star (84), Jwoww (15), Snooki (0)
@notpinnock: Jwoww star (30), Ronnie (42), DJ Pauly D (0)
@poloshot: Situation star (2), Jwoww (15), DJ Pauly D (0)
Andy: Deena's Kooka star (0), Jwoww (15), Snooki (0)

Week 7 Team Scoring:

Frog: 158
@mikedashin: 142
@ckalange: 117
@mattsisto: 117
Owen: 99
@notpinnock: 72
@poloshot: 17
Andy: 15

Big Board after Week 7:

1) 582 points (Frog)
2) 561.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 447.5 points (Owen)
4) 434 points (@mattsisto)
5) 427.5 points (@mikedashin)
6) 382.5 points (Andy)
7) 349.5 points (@notpinnock)
8) 334.5 points (@poloshot)

***********

Some final thoughts:

What a swing on the leaderboard! In one week the entire pack has come within 100 points (except for the teams over 500 who are have been taking Ron-Ron Juice to the dome-piece. A little housekeeping though too.

I was thinking about my roster for this week and how with Sammi Sweetheart gone I will not be able to bench anyone. How are we going to handle this rule-wise? Because it is a distinct advantage to not have any players to bench (even if Pauly D I useless this season). But rolling for the rest of the season just with team MVP doesn't seem so bad. I'm hoping we can have a civilized discussion either on the twitter or in the comments section below.

Be well, get some kooka.

Face Down, Ass Up: Week 6 Points



What up, #JSFL kookas?

Points from two weeks ago (the week where Ron got his ass examined) are finally here. First, the Commish' official statement and scoring:

Subject: "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no Idea."

"Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no idea"
Maybe my favorite quote in history.

So, interesting assortment of points this week. Aside from the Deena smush, no real action to speak of. However, if you watch carefully, you'll notice a ridiculous number of randoms being brought back to the house. That, my friends, is where most of this week's points come from.

First, a quick note on judgment calls. I gave Pauly points for bringing home a random in Danielle. I think that, considering they have never smushed, are not in a relationship, and weren't speaking a few episodes ago, her appearance at the house was 'random' enough to qualify this one time. Also, minor note: I gave Sitch one point for being late to work, based on the fact that he was asleep when the girls decided to leave him because they didn't want to get in trouble. It's a safe assumption that he was late that day.

I'm also not giving break-up points this week. This is typical Sam-and-Ron bullshit. It happens every couple of episodes. But I am willing to let it go to an overrule vote.

That said, POINTS ARE HERRRRRRRE!!!

Sitch: 21 - Random x 4 (5x4), late to work (1)
Ron: (5) - Puke (5),
Vin: (5) - Random (5)
DJ: (10) - Random x2 (5x2)

Sam: (5) - late to work (1), cried (4)
Jenni: (1) - late to work (1)
Snooki: (11) - Make out x2 (5x2), Random (5), late to work (1)
NG: (25) - Make out (5), Random (5), Smush (15)

Finally, I will be going on Wednesday to the Borders Books in Columbus Circle to get my copy of The Rules According to JWoww signed by the author, the lovely Jenni Farley. If anyone is in the city and wants to come, please let me know.

Face down ass up
Commish

*************

Week 6 Line-ups and Points:

@mikedashin: Deena star (50), Ron (5), DJ Pauly D (10)
@ckalange: Snooki star (22), Deena (25) Sammi Sweetheart (5)
@NotPinnock: Situation star (42), Ron (5), Jwoww (1)
@poloshot: DJ Pauly D star (20), Vinnie (5), Situation (21)
@mattsisto: Vinnie star (10), Situation (21), DJ Pauly D (10)
Owen: Snooki Star (22), Ron (5), Jwoww (1)
Frog: Vinnie (10), Snooki (11), Ron (5)
Andy: Vinnie (10), Snooki (11), Jwoww (1)

Week 6 Team Scoring:

@mikedashin: 65
@ckalange: 52
@notpinnock: 48
@poloshot: 46
@mattsisto: 41
Owen: 28
Frog: 26
Andy: 22

Big Board after Week 6:

1st) 444.5 points (@ckalange)
2nd) 424 points (Frog)
3rd) 367.5 points (Andy)
4th) 348.5 points (Owen)
5th) 317.5 points (@poloshot)
6th) 317 points (@mattsisto)
7th) 285.5 points (@mikedashin)
8th) 277.5 points (@NotPinnock)

That's how the Situation is situated. Congrats to week 6 point leader @ckalange. I'll be getting to the most recent episode right now. I just have to watch it first.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Someone Needs to Blow the Grenade Whistle on Sammi and Ron's Relationship: Week 5 Points



What's up JSFL Kookas?

A pretty eventful week. I really thought we were finally going to see the end of Rommi. Unfortunately for Ronnie owning teams and anyone who enjoys watching single Ronnie in action, we're going to have to keep waiting and watching those two lying in bed together. Alas. Here's the Commish's email:

Subject: Points in a Glass

God, I have so many thoughts about last night's episode. First off, I was so close to giving Ron and Sam breakup points (thinking that this was when she left the house), only to have it turned around overnight. Going by last year's standard, that is not a breakup.

Second, quite a few close judgment calls that I had to make. I will explain them all. Following the twitter consensus, I'm giving Sitch smush points. Also, J-Woww is getting smush points, for possibly the first ever smush-but-no-makeout scorecard. I'm also awarding Vin makeout points for the girl with the crazy uncle, because while we didn't see anything, they were moving in to each other, then cut to uncle, then a pull away. That said, I'm flexible on this.

The last judgment call was awarding J-Woww points for bringing home a random. We had this discussion last year, and my feeling is that if you're not a roommate, a bf/gf from home, or an established couple to the point that we would award break-up points, you qualify as a random - ie. Roger. Again, though, I would listen to dissent.

Finally, the scorecard doesn't have anything for "Likes to lick ass", so sadly, Deena goes points-free this week.

Let's get to it!
Ronnie - 38: cried twice (4x2=8), got in girl/guy fight with roommate (15x1.5=22.5), made out with roommate (5x1.5=7.5)
Sam - 42: cried thrice (4x3=12), got in girl/guy fight with roommate (15x1.5=22.5), made out with roommate (5x1.5=7.5)
Mike - 20: brought home random (5), smashed (15)
Vin - 10: brought home random (5), made out (5)
Paul - 5: brought home random (5)
j-Woww - 20: brought home random (5), smashed (15)
Snooki and Deena - 0

Looks like I put up a resounding 60... yay?

Best,
Commish Amsterdam

*********

My response to the Commish's questions:

Yeah, I think we're going to have to wait for Sam to move out before we can award break-up points. I'm not sure how you qualify "one day at a time" point-wise. I'm with you there Mr. Amsterdam.

It's a tough call with Vin's makeout. I'm going to go to the tapes to review because I can't remember it too well. Superficially I'd say if they dont' show it it doesn't count but let me look again in slow motion zoomed in (control-scroll) before offering my final thoughts there.

I think Jwoww gets the random points for sure this week but I think once they smoosh it stops being random. Like, if she brings him home next week he's not a random. We did the same thing with Pauly and Rocio last year. First night back is a random, every time after that, not so much. I guess the rule of thumb is just return visitors. Last year I also scored it for Vin the first time he brought home that girl, but then after beach day she was no longer a random.


********

So I think that should settle things. Any other questions or comments are welcome in the comments below. Let's situate some points in this situation.

Week 5 Starting Line-ups and Points:

Frog: Ronnie star (76), Vinnie (10), Sam (42)
@NotPinnock: Ronnie star (76), Situation (20), Jwoww (20)
@ckalange: Sam star (84), Situation (20), Deena (0)
@mattsisto: Sam star (84), Vinnie (10), DJ Pauly D (5)
@mikedashin: Deena star (0), Sammi (42), Ronnie (38)
@poloshot: Vinnie star (20), Situation (20), Jwoww (20)
Owen: Deena star (0), Ronnie (38), Jwoww (20)
Andy: Deena star (0), Vinnie (10), Snooki (0)

Week 5 Team Scoring:

Frog: 128
@NotPinnock: 116
@ckalange: 104
@mattsisto: 99
@mikedashin: 80
@poloshot: 60
Owen: 58
Andy: 10

Big Board after Week 5:

1st) 398 points (Frog)
2nd) 392.5 points (@ckalange)
3rd) 345.5 points (Andy)
4th) 320.5 points (Owen)
5th) 276 points (@mattsisto)
6th) 271.5 points (@poloshot)
7th) 229.5 points (@NotPinnock)
8th) 220.5 points (@mikedashin)


And that's how the situation is situated. Congratulations to Frog on his first stop atop the leaderboard. Interestingly enough we've had a different leader every week. I should start writing these right after the episode ends btw. I have absolutely no idea what happened on the "next week on." Which is almost better in a way. I think I'm better when I just trust my Jersey Shore gut and let the Situation situate himself in Karma to bring home those points. Unless Vinnie situates them for himself first. I'm out!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ugly Tom Stole My Fossil Watch: Week 4 Points


What's the situation #JSFL? How you living?

I'm on a roll. Let's bang out these scores from last week's ep in which Jwoww breaks up with her ugly boyfriend. That's about all I remember so this leaderboard is almost like a surprise present for me. I hope I got something good. Here's the Commish' email:

Subject: It's points TIIIIMMMME

Quiet scoring this week, though my girl came on ok. Let's get to it.

J-Woww - 32: left work (3), called her boyfriend (1), broke up with him (20), and cried twice (4x2)
New Girl - 12; made out (5), and kissed a girl (7)
Vin - 1: said "situation" (1)
Snook - 9: left work (3), made out (5), and said "guidette" (1)

No points for Ronnie, but Fake Ronnie made out for 5 points. I'd love to somehow work auxiliary characters into the game: Danny the Boss, Fake Ronnie, The Stalker. It would be epic.

GTL
Commish Amsterdam

****************

Ruh-roh. No points for Sitch or DJ? Not looking like a good situation for team MVP'S. Anyways.

Week 4 Starting Line-Ups and Points:

Andy: Jwoww star (64), Vinnie (1), Deena (27)
@poloshot: Jwoww star (64) Situation (0), Vinnie (1)
Owen: Deena star (54), Jwoww (32), Ron (0)
@ckalange: Deena star (54), Situation (0), Snooki (9)
@NotPinnock: Ron star (0), Situation (0), Jwoww (32)
@mikedashin: Deena star (54), Sammi (0), Ron (0)
Frog: Snooki star (18), Vinnie (1), Sammi (0)
@mattsisto: Situation star (0), Vinnie (1), DJ Pauly D (0)

Week 4 Team Scoring:

Andy: 92 (77+15 smoosh pts)
Owen: 86 [56+(15 smoosh pts x2)]
@poloshot: 65
@ckalange: 63 [33+(15 smoosh pts x2)]
@mikedashin: 54 [24+(15 smoosh pts x2)]
@NotPinnock: 32
Frog: 19
@mattsisto: 1 (Situation star instead of Vinnie, -1pt)

Big Board after Week 4:

1st) 335.5 points (Andy)
2nd) 288.5 points (@ckalange)
3rd) 270 points (Frog)
4th) 262.5 points (Owen)
5th) 211.5 points (@poloshot)
6th) 176 points (@mattsisto)
7th) 140.5 points (@mikedashin)
8th) 113.5 points (@NotPinnock)


My point situation has never been more dismal but on the plus side I've never been more proud of my younger brother. I wish I could remember what was going to happen this week because I'd write about line-ups now. Oh well.

Also, the Commish and I were talking about a blog post of your top 5 Jersey Shore situations ever. No way Snooki's performance on Monday doesn't rank somewhere in there. That episode and the time she got jacked in the face. That situation was classic.

And that's how the situation is situated.

My Vagina's Out: Week 3 Scores


What up #JSFL? This post is for last Monday's episode aka the one in which Snooki rearranged the leaderboard. My one week reign of terror has ended. I'm sure you're all so upset to hear that. Enough about me though. Scores are heah!

Here are the numbers as reported by Commissioner Amsterdam:

POINTS ARE HEEEEEEEERRRRRREEE!!!!

Most diverse scoring week so far, with everyone but Ronnie putting in some value. Of course, D-Block Snooki lead the way by a wiiiiiiddddde margin. Just a hunch: J-Woww is gonna have a similarly disparate lead over the competition tonight.

Here's how the episode went down:

Snooki : 63 total: 6 for Inappropriate conduct x2 (one for drinking in store, one for leaving work to chill); 5 for cops talk to you; 50 for gerring arrested; 1 for saying 'situation'; 1 for saying 'smushing'
New Girl : 10.5 total: 3 for getting kicked out of bar; 7.5 for hookup with roommate bonus
J-Woww: 1 total: 1 for calling boyfriend
Sammi : 8 total: cried twice for 4 points each
Mike : 19.5 total: made out twice for 12.5, including once with roommate; said "Situation" twice (maybe his all-time low); brought home a random for 5
Pauly : 6 total: 5 for bringing home random; 1 for saying 'guidos'
Vinnie : 10 total: 5 for bringing home random; 5 for making out

Commish note: I don't disagree with Charlie about Vinnie getting all the close calls, so I'm gonna keep his smush points out. However, I'm going to ask for a vote as to whether to count both of his 'questionable' smush scores (this week and last) or to keep this week out to balance out the uncertainty. We need 5 out of 8 votes to apply the contested 15 for this week, and mine will be the first 'yay'. Anyone else?

Best,
Your Most Noble Commish

************

After some email chain debates I think we decided on something. I can't remember what though. I was Snooki drunk during that whole debate.

Week 3 Starting Line-ups and Points

Frog: Snooki star (126), Vinnie (10), Sammi (8)
Andy: Snooki star (126), Vinnie (10), Deena (10.5)
@ckalange: Snooki star (126), Situation (19.5), Sammi (8)
Owen: Snooki star: (126), Ron (0), Deena (10.5)
@mattsisto: Situation star (39), Vinnie (10), DJ Pauly D (6)
@poloshot: Vinnie star (20), Situation (19.5), Jwoww (1)
@mikedashin: Sammi star (16), Ron (0), Deena (10.5)
@NotPinnock: Ron star (0), Situation (19.5), Jwoww (1)

Week 3 Team Scoring:

@ckalange: 153.5
Andy: 146.5
Frog: 144
Owen: 136.5
@mattsisto: 55
@poloshot: 40.5
@mikedashin: 26.5
@NotPinnock: 20.5

Big Board after Week 3:

1st) 251 points (Owen)
2nd) 243.5 points (Andy)
3rd) 225.5 points (@ckalange)
4th) 176.5 points (Owen)
5th) 175 points (@mattsisto)
6th) 146.5 points (@poloshot)
7th) 86.5 points (@mikedashin)
8th) 81.5 points (@NotPinnock)


So there you have it folks. I'm just mad at myself for drafting DJ Pauly D 2nd round over Snooki. Maybe this season is all about the girls reclaiming the party crown after last year's MVP domination. We'll see how the situation situates itself.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Vinnie is King of the Smoosh: Week 2 Scores


Greetings fellow Guido Juice-heads.

Another great week in the books and we have a double Shore week ahead of us! The only thing that could please me more is if Tom Brady chokes to death on a penis. (Sorry @NotPinnock). But enough NY/NE vitriol! Let's get to the scores!

The newly appointed Commissioner just sent me the score email and I'll post it verbatim:

Subject: Scores are here

Very top heavy week this week

J-Woww: 16 (fight for 10 x 1.5) (call bf for 1)
Snooki: 1 ("We're in fucking Seaside, bitch")
Sam: 19 (fight for 10 x 1.5) (cried for 4)
Mike: 11 (said "situation" 5 times) (brought home random for 5) ('late' to work for 1)
Paul: 1 (said "guido")
Vin: 40 (smash for 15) (make-out x4 for 20) (brought home random for 5
Ronnie: 0
New girl: 0

One bit of commentary from your commish for the blog: new girl is far too reliant on catch phrases. "blast in a glass" "party in a body" "walking holiday"??? It's becoming too much. And don't get me started on "flip the cup". It's Flip-Cup, bitch!

That's all.

Much love
Commissioner Amsterdam

So what does that mean for your team?

Week 2 Starting Line-ups and Points


Frog: Vinnie star (80), Ron (0), Sammi (19)
@mattsisto: Sammi star (38), Situation (11), Vinnie (40)
@poloshot: Jwoww star (32), Vinnie (40), DJ Pauly D (1)
Andy: Jwoww star (32), Vin (40), Deena (0)
@NotPinnock: Jwoww star (32) Situation (11), Ron (0)
@ckalange: Sammi star (38), Situation (11), Deena (0)
@mikedashin: Sammi star (38), Deena (0), DJ Pauly D (1)
Owen: Jwoww star (32), Snooki (1), Deena (0)

Week 2 Team Scoring:

Frog: 99
@mattsisto: 89
@poloshot: 73
Andy: 72
@ckalange: 49
@NotPinnock: 43
@mikedashin: 39
Owen: 33

Big Board after Week 2

1st) 120 points (@mattsisto)
2nd) 107 points (Frog)
3rd) 106 points (@poloshot)
4th) 97 points (Andy)
5th) 72 points (@ckalange)
6th) 61 points (@NotPinnock)
7th) 60 points (@mikedashin)
8th) 40 points (Owen)

So there ya have it. Frog's GREAT roster play puts him in third place over-all. Of course, all of this is subject to change with Snooki's potential 150 point plus show on Monday. I think I also saw in the preview that she, Deena, and Sitch talk around having a threesome. If that happens she'll have roommate hook-up points multiplied BY THREE. Think about it: that's a hook-up multiplied by 1.5 with the roommate but then it's also a threesome so that multiplies by 3? Someone is going to have to draw out an equation for me because frankly trying to calculate how to apply those multipliers feels like calculus.

But looking at these scores I'm actually less worried about it than I had been after first seeing the preview. It's entirely possible that a team that doesn't have Snook could get a few other hook ups from other characters later. God knows Snooki will probably tone it down after getting arrested. At least, that's what a normal person might do. But with the #JSFL you have to throw out the rule book on standard reality television behavior.

Some other odds and ends from around the league:

We discussed adding some extra 1 point categories for "Cabs are here" and "T-shirt time"

We discussed the merits of a head-to-head weekly match-up and playoff system for next year ala Fantasy Football. This isn't so much up for debate as much as to say next year it's happening because it's a brilliant idea.

However, all changes will be put to the league for ratification at the half way point between episodes 9 and 10. That may be sooner than we think if they keep doubling up weeks. Not that I'm complaining. I'd watch them try to get a beach ball off the roof every night if I could. The only thing I don't want to see is Ronnie and Sam lying in bed. I wish we could somehow penalize them for that but I digress.

That's how the situation is situated. See y'all on the twitter on Monday night.



New Note:

@ckalange and I have spent the last hour or so arguing about the point value for Vinnie's quadruple kiss. Here's my take:

While Charlie's math and logic makes perfect sense, I'm hung up on the idea of using a three time's multiplier for a triple kiss. It just makes sense in my head for the triple kiss to be worth three-times a normal kiss. For instance, if it were called a double kiss I would have no problem using a 2x multiplier. Triple Kiss= 3x multiplier. In the case of Vinnie's Quadruple kiss, my logic would follow that quadruple = 4x multiplier for a grand total of 20 points.

Here's what Charlie has to say:

My argument is as follows. The #JSFL Point-sheet Template awards 5pts for a cast member making out with another person. We saw handfuls of these instances over the course of Season 2, with DJ Pauly D, Sitch, and Vinnie all getting 5pts here and there for making out with one other person at a time. We also recall the early days of Jersey Shore Miami when Ron-Ron prioritized living in the moment over a long-term loving relationship with Sammi and infamously went in for the "triple kiss" at a club and was consequently awarded 15pts by the #JSFL for his feat.

This was a slight miscalculation in my mind, because the term "triple kiss" really refers to a makeout x2. Therefore, the act should be awarded 5pts (x2) for 10pts. However, when the term "triple kiss" is uttered, there is an unmistakable urge to pair it with the number three, or a 3x multiplier, as was the case with the Ron-Ron triple kiss, when in fact it should have only been awarded 10pts for making out with two people, not three (Ron didn't kiss himself, he kissed two other people).

This however set a precedent for awarding Vinnie 20pts for a "four-way kiss" (i.e. Vinnie kisses three other people) in Episode 2 of Season 3. While the sample size of multi-participant kisses is low (just the contended error with Ronnie from Season 2), I think the sample size for single makeout points is much larger, with each occurrence being awarded 5pts to the cast member participant. The question is two-fold: what is the correct score according to the point template, and what makeout precedent really holds more weight? I contend that making out with one person = 5pts, two people = 10pts (aka triple kiss), and three people = 15pts (aka four-way kiss).

Long-winded? Yes. But it's better than letting a breeze blow through my argument. What say the #JSFL?

*********

I'd appreciate any input from the rest of the league. @NotPinnock has weighed in and sided with me. We have yet to hear from the rest of the league. We should try to resolve this issue before Monday just so we can set a precedent and move on to the rest of the season.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Cowboy Hat is Probably Just Another Term for Deena's Kooka: Week 1 Points


What's happening Kookas?

It seems like just yesterday we were waxing our chests and taking our blow-outs to South Beach yet we're somehow tallying up points for Week 1. It all goes by so fast. It's why you have to cherish every greasy, depraved moment.

I think we all thought the Situation was going to carry the week after seeing him say a form of Situation 8 times. A first week fight is unheard of! The safe thinking was to star Situation or whomever your big bat is because Week 1 is a wash and no one really scores big. I think it's safe to say you can throw out your standard Fantasy Reality Television Handbook: Jersey Shore knows no rules. But I digress. Here's the breakdown:

Jwoww and Sammi fought for 15 points (10 x1.5 roommate multiplier)

Situation said "Situation" 8 times.

Snooki said "I'm in Seaside, bitch" once (1 point), and Guido (1 point), Situation (1 point) and Smoosh (1 point)

Deena stripped down for a new point category inaugural 3 nudity points.

DJ Pauly D said "Situation" twice.

Ron and Vin put up goose eggs. (Deena may be the only person to take her clothes off and start a fight and still get no points. JS breaks all the rules (CORRECTION: I completely forgot we added a new nudity point category. my b to Deena teams)

In list form:

Sammi: 15 points
Jwoww: 15 points
Situation: 8 points
Snooki: 4 points
Deena: 3 points
DJ Pauly D: 2 points

Week 1 Starting Line-ups and points:

@poloshot: Situation star (16), DJ Pauly D (2), Jwoww (15)
@mattsisto: Situation star (16), Sammi (15), Vinnie (0)
@ckalange: Situation star (16), Deena (3), Snooki (4)
Andy S: Deena star (6), Snooki (4), Jwoww (15)
@NotPinnock: Situation star (16), Ron (0), DJ Pauly D (2)
@MikeDashin: Deena star (6), Ron (0), Sammi (15)
Frog: Snooki star (8), Ron (0), Vin (0)
Owen: Ron star (0), Snooki (4), Deena (3)

Week 1 Team Scoring:

@poloshot: 33
@mattsisto: 31
Andy S: 25
@ckalange: 23
@mikedashin: 21
@NotPinnock: 18
Frog: 8
Owen:7

Big Board After Week 1:

1st) 33 points (@poloshot)
2nd) 31 points (mattsisto)
3rd) 25 points (Andy)
4th) 23 points (@ckalange)
5th) 21 points (@mikedashin)
6th) 18 points (@NotPinnock)
7th) 8 points (Frog)
8th) 7 points (Owen)


And that wraps up Week 1's Score Post. Who are you starting this week? Toss up for Star between Vinnie and Jwoww/Sammi if you have them. But I've said too much already. The new roster situation (1 point) is going to lead me to play my card's close to my wife-beater. That's just how the Situation is Situated.

Oh, one last thing: "I don't give a fuck. I will attack you like a squirrel monkey." That is all.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

#JSFL Year Two Draft Order and Teams



I'm so amped up right now I can barely contain myself. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I also love the hour long #JSFL twitter banter. Classic.

But before we do anything else let's get the draft and teams down.


Round 1

@ckalange - The Situation
@the Frog - Snooki
@the Owen - Snooki
@NotPinnock-The Situation
@poloshot- The Situation
@mattsisto - The Situation (Situation out)
@the Andy - Deena
@mikedashin - Deena

Round 2

@mikedashin - Ronnie
@the Andy- Snooki
@mattsisto - DJ Pauly D
@poloshot - DJ Pauly D
@NotPinnock - Ronnie
@the Owen - Ronnie
@the Frog - Ronnie (Ronnie out)
@ckalange - Deena

Round 3

@ckalange - Snooki (Snooki out)
@the Frog - Vinnie
@the Owen - Deena (Deena out)
@NotPinnock - Jwoww
@poloshot - Jwoww
@mattsisto - Vinnie
@the Andy - Vinnie
@mikedashin - DJ Pauly D

Round 4

@mikedashin - Sammi Sweetheart
@the Andy - Jwoww
@mattsisto - Sammi Sweetheart
@poloshot- Vinnie (Vinnie out)
@NotPinnock - DJ Pauly D (DJ Pauly D out)
@the Owen - Jwoww (Jwoww out)
@the Frog - Sammie Sweetheart
@ckalange - Sammi Sweetheart (Sammi Sweetheart out)


Teams

@ckalange - Situation, Deena, Snooki, Sammi

Frog - Snooki, Ronnie, Vinnie, Sammi

Owen - Snooki, Ronnie, Deena, Jwoww

@NotPinnock - Situation, Ronnie, Jwoww, DJ Pauly D

@poloshot - Situation, DJ Pauly D, Jwoww, Vinnie

@mattsisto - Situation, DJ Pauly D, Vinnie, Sammi

Andy - Deena, Snooki, Vinnie, Jwoww

@mikedashin - Deena, Ronnie, DJ Pauly D, Sammi



Can't wait to score this one! Also, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Jersey Shore Fantasy League: Year Two Charter and Points


The Jersey Shore Fantasy League

The Draft:

Numbers ranging from 1-8 will be written on pieces of paper, folded, and placed in a hat. Players will pick a piece of paper and the draft will proceed from the first pick (1) through the 8th (8). In the second round picks will go from numbers 8-1. In the third round picks will go 1-8. Each cast-member will be available 4 times to be selected at any point. Once said cast-member has been picked 4 times he is off the board. Players may not select the same the same cast member twice.

All efforts will be made to place the draft at a time and place accessible to all participants. Should anyone be unable to attend the draft they may either choose someone to act for them or (ideally) represent themselves via speakerphone or the internets.

Trades:

Trades will be allowed through the newly established week 15 trade deadline. Trades can come in any form but must be approved by at least 2 parties with no part in the trade. For instance, if one participant loses interest in the league he may offer to trade his cast members to another participant for a hot dog/beer/hearty handshake. The participant in this instance would need the approval of at least two other indifferent parties to finalize the trade. All trades must be finalized by the 8 pm roster submission deadline, outlined under Rosters below.

There is no cap for the number of players allowed on a team. Should two participants decide to trade Sammy and Ronnie for The Situation they would only need the approval of 2 non-involved parties for trade to be admissible.

Rosters:

Each week teams will submit rosters by 8 pm on the night of the episode either through email or twitter to the Associate Commissioner in Charge of Rosters. Each roster submission will detail a Star Player, two other starters, and one bench player. Each player must be a Star Player at least once and every player must be on the active roster at least 3 times. Each player must also be benched at least 3 times. The roster history will be maintained by the ACCR on a google doc and made public by request.

Scoring:

The League Commissioner shall be responsible for tallying points and entering them into a google doc spread sheet that will be made available for all participants to view. In the event that a point total is disputed, the individual scores for said cast-member (as recorded by participants) will be averaged out and that average point total will stand. The League Commissioner will also take into consideration input from other players and, if a majority of other players disagree, the point ruling will be changed.

The player designated as a “Star Player” on a roster will be granted a 2x multiplier on all points scored that episode. The other two starters score normal points, bench players score none.

If a cast-member is traded their previously scored points do not migrate but remain with their former team. Team points will be tallied following the grand finale. In the event of a tie, points will be tallied during the “shit they should have shown” episode or, should that episode not take place, the winner will be chosen based on the amount of times their team has to be “bleeped” during the reunion show. Each Bleep will be worth one point even if it is a longer, sustained bleep.

All points for teams will be tallied and blogged within 48 hours of the League Commissioners point tally. Any errors in math will be fixed immediately.


Rule Changes:

Any questions or changes to the rules must be decided before the week 15 trade deadline. Any proposed changes must have the support of greater than 50% of the league. Similarly, if the league commissioner is found to be not up to task he may be voted out if greater than 50% of the league wishes however he must be replaced at that time by a candidate able to carry greater than 50% of the votes. If the original commissioner was voted out but no replacement is found he will keep his position but try to do a better job.






Points

Work
1-Being late
2-Yelled at by boss
3-Inappropriate conduct (drinking, hooking up, etc.)
5-No show
25-Fired

Law
3-Kicked out of bar
5-Cops talk to you
50-Arrested

Hook up
5-Make Out
5-Public indecency (hot tub/patio included (Anything with Blurcles))
7-Girl making out with girl
15-Hook up
x3-Threesome

Fight
10-Same Sex
15-Girl hitting guy
100-Guy hitting girl (slaps, hard shoves, tosses, basic intent to harm, etc.)

Infidelity
5-Excessive grinding
10-Making out
20-BF/GF cheats on you during visit
25-Hook up

Miscellaneous
1-Call BF/GF
1-Any iteration of “Jersey Shore Bitch”
1-Saying Guido, Guidette, or The Situation
1- Iteration of "Smoosh/Smash/Smash-room"
2-BF/GF crying
3-Writing something
4-Crying
5-Puking
5-Bring home random (per person)
10-Getting a tattoo or piercing
20-Break up with BF/GF
25-STD scare
25-Reading a book
50-Pregnancy scare

x1.5-Anything with a roommate