Google Analytic

Saturday, July 31, 2010

His name is Ronnie, but you can probably call him Sloppy Joe (Episode 1 Analysis)

Quick preface: I'm standing on the shoulders of giants here. Many points have already been touched upon by Bill Simmons (twitter: sportsguy33) in his epic trash tv podcast with the Czar of reality @jacoby_. However, while Simmons does a JS podcast maybe once a month I will be able to take the time to break-down every week. Here goes.

The biggest question this season (and every season hereafter) is how the cast responds to fame. This is no longer the rag-tag group of guidos we know and love. Snooki's bedazzled cowboy hat speaks volumes. I also think it's telling that the four people road-tripping to MIA, that's Miami, are the top-tiered in pay scale. I think when it comes to the girls especially we're going to see more reserved behavior. The traditional double standard of promiscuous men being "playboys" and promiscuous women being "sluts" will, in my opinion, play out here too. What we see in the preview of the girls fighting over Vinnie is going to become standard for this cast this season: the girls will keep it in the house, the boys will get creepy in Miami.

The one exception to this is Angelina who may end up being a rock-solid pick. We know next year Angelina is going to be replaced by this girl ( ) but what does that tell us about Angelina this year? She made it clear in this episode that she was willing to hook up (To Situation and Pauly D: "Who cares? I’m single now, if I hook up with one of youz one night, who gives a fuck?") so my guess is, having realized in just a few hours that she wasn't going to make friends with any of the girls, she throws herself at the male cast-members (we already know she's hooked up with Pauly and the Situation off camera) and then probably leaves after having been labeled "the slut no one likes." I for one will miss the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Those shorts she was wearing? The ones with the exposed red pockets? That was really something.

Getting back to the fame thing: I think we have a situation with The Situation. In the past few months he's become a legitimate star and accordingly has lost the desperation we saw in him season 1. That almost sycophantic desire to be liked and to show he was cool by sleeping with grenades is out the window. It's a sad day. But I suppose it was inevitable. You can't contain The Situation.

The last twenty-minutes are a microcosm for what we'll see this season: the girls are going to fight each other (verbally and otherwise), the guys are going to get annoyed and do their own thing (including clubbing and bringing home randoms), and eventually the girls will drag the guys into their drama.

Let's do a quote rundown because there were some classics:

DJ Pauly D: Can’t stand this weather, ya can’t get tanned in this weather, ya can’t creep in this weather, you can’t do anything… girls don’t come out in this weather, they stay in the house.

Snooki: I don’t go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning.. because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.

Ronnie: I’m gonna have a good time and get creepy and get weird.

Jwoww (about Angelina): "I’m the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island”… with what ass? Pancake ass…

Angelina: Who cares? I’m single now, if I hook up with one of youz one night, who gives a fuck?

Snooki: I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin’ 20’s washing shit right now.

The Situation: Ronnie’s at the club, hooking up with Grenades… that is a bigger-ugly-chick and also Landmines.. which is a thin-ugly-chick .. and um, he's lovin’ life.

The Situation: His name is Ronnie, but you can probably call him Sloppy Joe

Jwoww: I’m putting Vaseline on my face, taking my earrings out, putting my hair up & I’m beating the crap out of her.

A note about that last line spoken by a true boxing fan:

You know who else puts Vaseline on their face? Boxers. So they don't get cut and the punches slide off. I'm so curious about Jwoww's background and whether she was around professional fighters. She's just a straight up brawler. Some people make a lot of noise but Jwoww actually wants to "take it outside" and I love that about her. One of my favorite moments in reality television history (that's hyperbole) is when she fought that girl last year for calling Snooki fat. She grabbed her by the hair and landed about five well placed uppercuts to the jaw. So...when Jwoww says she's putting Vaseline on her face, it's because she's planning on kicking some ass.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I'm in Miami, Bitch (Episode 1 Point Analysis)

Before I write anything I just want to say that there is no way I could have been more excited for this season to start.

It was a big night for Ronnie who scored twice for make-outs (5 points each) plus one threesome-makeout for 15 points. That's a quick 25 points in between the last commercial break and the end credits. If he keeps this pace I don't see any way that a team without Ronnie stays in contention. He also scored three 1-point "I'm in Miami, Bitch" and two 1-point "Situation".

DJ Pauly D was the second mvp for Episode 1 saying an iteration of "the Situation" or "Creepin" eight times worth 1-point each.

Snooki said "I'm in Miami, Bitch" three times.

Angelina said "Situation" once.

The rest of the cast got 1 point each for a group toast of "I'm in Miami, Bitch."

In list form:

Ron-Ron: 30
DJ Pauly D: 9
Snooki: 3
Angelina: 2
Jwoww: 1
Sammi: 1
The Situation: 1
Vinnie: 1

The one point question worth discussing is whether Ronnie should get points for "Girl Making Out With Girl (7pts)" I scored him for a make-out x3 but I also think you could count the two girls making out as well for 7 additional points. Since I already posted the point totals on twitter I'm going to let it slide this time (My team has Ronnie so I don't want people thinking I'm just running up the score)

Here's the list for team scoring:

BG: 33 pts
MS: 32 pts
PS: 32 pts
HL: 13 pts
NP: 13 pts
CK: 11 pts
MMS: 6 pts
WCM: 4 pts

That's all for now, I'll get an epsiode critique in sometime soon. That's the Situation

The Draft and Teams

We live blogged the draft via twitter but I'll record the picks in order here.

Round 1:

The Situation
Snooki (off the board)
The Situation
The Situation (off the board)

Round 2:

DJ Pauly D
Jwoww (off the board)
Ronnie (off the board)
DJ Pauly D
DJ Pauly D (off the board)

Round 3:

Angelina (off the board)
Vinnie (off the board)
Sammi (off the board)

The Teams

I'm going to acronym these to protect identities. The teams are listed in order from the first draft pick to the eighth pick.

HL: Snooki, DJ Pauly D, Sammi

NP: Snooki, DJ Pauly D, Vinnie

MS: The Situation, Ronnie, Vinnie

MMS: Snooki, Jwoww, Angelina

BG: The Situation, Ronnie, Angelina

WCM: Jwoww, Sammi, Angelina

CK: The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Vinnie

PS: Ronnie, Jwoww, Sammi

The Breakdown:

I was surprised by how quickly Snooki went. My thinking going in was that the guys (excepting Jwoww) would be putting up more points than the girls on a regular basis and that The Situation, DJ Pauly D, and Ronnie would be obvious picks over first round picks. Given my bias towards those three players I can't help but thinking MS, BG, and CK have the strongest teams.

WCM is in a tough spot with Sammi and Angelina in places 2 and 3 after Jwoww. I don't see them putting up many points.

PS has a punchers chance (literally) with Jwoww and Ronnie on his team. If Ronnie and Sammi start hooking up again and she fights Jwoww (because Jwoww hooks up with Ronnie?) it's a Jersey Shore Fantasy League trifecta. In that instance the difference maker between PS and MS is whether the Situation can balance their numbers.

MMS has a strong chance with Snooki, Jwoww, and Angelina. Not only will MMS get points for the Jwoww fight just mentioned but we also know from the teaser preview that Snooki and Angelina fight (over Vinnie). Anytime there is a scoring opportunity that takes place between roommates we multiply the total x1.5.

Finally, DJ Pauly D is a bit of a wild card. You can rely on him to say "Situation" a few times an episode but I'm not sure I remember him hooking up that often or fighting last season. Like Snooki, I think he may be the most likeable and the most characteristically Guido-ish but I'm not sure he scores the points.

The Points

1-Being late
2-Yelled at by boss
3-Inappropriate conduct (drinking, hooking up, etc.)
5-No show

3-Kicked out of bar
5-Cops talk to you

Hook up
5-Make Out
5-Public indecency (hot tub/patio included)
7-Girl making out with girl
15-Hook up

10-Same Sex
15-Girl hitting guy
100-Guy hitting girl (slaps, hard shoves, tosses, basic intent to harm, etc.)

5-Excessive grinding
10-Making out
20-BF/GF cheats on you during visit
25-Hook up

1-Call BF/GF
1-Any iteration of “I’m in Miami bitch”
1-Saying Guido, Guidette, (variations on) Creepin', or The Situation
2-BF/GF crying
5-Bring home random (per person)
10-Getting a tattoo or piercing
20-Break up with BF/GF
25-STD scare
50-Pregnancy scare

x1.5-Anything with a roommate

The Charter

The Draft:

Numbers ranging from 1-8 will be written on pieces of paper, folded, and placed in a hat. Players will pick a piece of paper and the draft will proceed from the first pick (1) through the 8th (8). In the second round picks will go from numbers 8-1. In the third round picks will go 1-8. Each cast-member will be available 3 times to be selected at any point. Once said cast-member has been picked 3 times he is off the board. Players may not select the same the same cast member twice.

All efforts will be made to place the draft at a time and place accessible to all participants. Should anyone be unable to attend the draft they may either choose someone to act for them or (ideally) represent themselves via speakerphone or the internets.


Trades will be allowed in between the initial draft and the first episode as well as during the half-way point of the season between weeks 4 and 5. Trades can come in any form but must be approved by at least 2 parties with no part in the trade. For instance, if one participant loses interest in the league he may offer to trade his cast members to another participant for a hot dog/beer/hearty handshake. The participant in this instance would need the approval of at least two other indifferent parties to finalize the trade.

There is no cap for the number of players allowed on a team. Should two participants decide to trade Sammy and Angelina for The Situation they would only need the approval of 2 non-involved parties for trade to be admissible.


The League Commissioner shall be responsible for tallying points and entering them into a google doc spread sheet that will be made available for all participants to view. In the event that a point total is disputed, the individual scores for said cast-member (as recorded by participants) will be averaged out and that average point total will stand.

If a cast-member is traded between weeks 4 and 5 their previously scored points do not migrate but remain with their former team. Team points will be tallied following the grand finale. In the event of a tie, points will be tallied during the “shit they should have shown” episode or, should that episode not take place, the winner will be chosen based on the amount of times their team has to be “bleeped” during the reunion show. Each Bleep will be worth one point even if it is a longer, sustained bleep.

Rule Changes:

Any questions or changes to the rules but be decided before the first episode begins or in the period between weeks 4 and 5. Any proposed changes must have the support of greater than 50% of the league. Similarly, if the league commissioner is found to be not up to task he may be voted out if greater than 50% of the league wishes however he must be replaced at that time by a candidate able to carry greater than 50% of the votes. If the original commissioner was voted out but no replacement is found he will keep his position but try to do a better job.

Welcome to the League

A few weeks ago I started a Jersey Shore Fantasy League.

Eight teams select 3 players each in a three round draft process. Every week I score the episode, tally team points, and put it on the big board (A google doc). In my next post I'll include the charter and the point categories.

The reason for this blog is to provide a place I can analyze espn-style the intricacies of reality television fantasy sports. I envision break-downs of past episodes, handicapping favorite teams, discussions of scoring ambiguities, and recipes for Ron-Ron Juice.

For example: We know Snooki and her boyfriend Emilio break up but is it caused by some infidelity (which rewards from 5 to 15 pts depending on the extent) or does it happen off camera? In the case of infidelity, will it be in time to counter Ronnie's strong showing or the Situation's near sycophantic pursuit of women? Will a team with Ronnie and Jwoww be able to carry a team with Sammi in the third round spot? If Jwoww fights both girl roommates and Vinnie sleeps with both of them, given hook ups get more points than fighting, does it make sense to pick Vinnie over Jwoww or can we rely on her to hook up more than Vinnie with people outside of the house?

So many questions. I'll try to answer them.