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Monday, February 28, 2011

Jersey Snore: Week 9 Points

There wasn't anything exciting from last week so I thought I'd put up a sweet picture of A-Rod riding an escalator.

Last week: so boring. My one hope is that there's a Situation/Vinshow fight brewing. But that's just speculation. I'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Ronnie blow up with Sam's return. More speculation. Let's get to last weeks' all time low scoring episode. (I actually went back to look at last season and this is by far the lowest scoring ep ever)

Here's the Commish:

Subject: This episode doesn't deserve a clever subject

So, I think that Matt's tweet was most accurate: this was the lowest scoring episode yet, but a fairly entertaining one. I've been over the Sitch for a while now, but I love the cab prank. He killed that buzz, though, with the creepy pretend dinner party.

That said, there were only two scorable events: Mike saying "situation" a few times, and one work crew taking an excessively long lunch (worth lateness points to me!). Here's the breakdown:

NG - late = 1 point
Paul - late = 1 point
Michael - late, said Situation twice = 3 points

There you go. Less exciting than the Oscars. Fuck it.

Your Commish


At least the Knicks won though.

Week 9 Line-ups and Points:

@mattsisto: Vinshow star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@ckalange: Snooki star (0), Situation (3), Deena's Kook (1)
@poloshot: Vinshow star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@notpinnock: Ron star (0), Situation (3), DJ Pauly D (1)
@mikedashin: Deena star (2), Ron (0), Sammi (0)
Andy: Snooki star (0), Deena (1), Jwoww (0)
Owen: Ron-ron star (0), Snooki (0), Deena's kooka (1)
Frog: Snooki star (0), Vinshow (1), Sammi Sweetheart (0)

Week 9 Team Scoring:

@mattsisto: 4
@ckalange: 4
@poloshot: 4
@notpinnock: 4
@mikedashin: 2
Andy: 1
Owen: 1
Frog: 1

Big Board after Week 9:

1) 659 points (Frog)
2) 626.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 501.5 points (Owen)
4) 480 points (@mattsisto)
5) 464.5 points (Andy)
6) 458.5 points (@mikedashin)
7) 399.5 points (@poloshot)
8) 366.5 points (@NotPinnock)

So there you have it. Worst. Week. Ever. Oddly I was still entertained. See you all next week.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dr. Situation: Week 8 Points

Deena's Kooka gets the party started. Now Let's get some points up in this bitch.

Here's the Commissioners weekly accounting:

Subject: The Melo Shore

Other alternatives:
Melo Melo Juice Gets the Party Started
Melo and the STATuation
I'm in the Garden, Bitch!

So, moving away from Melo (who will put up a much higher scoring average for the rest of the year than DJ Pauly D), I just realized that I've had last week scored since Friday, but never sent it in. I'll get to points in a second, but first:

QUESTION FROM THE COMMISH: Is this the best quote in the history of the show?
"Some days, I'm Uncle Situation, Doctor Situation, Chef Situation, Bang-Your-Girl Situation. I'm a pretty deep dude."

I don't know about you, but if my uncle is also my doctor and my chef, that's OK. But I'd rather he not bang my girl. But I'm not as deep as Mike.

Moving to points:
Snooki ? (25): made out (5), brought home random (5), smush (15)
NG ? (4): cried (4)
Sam ? (4): cried (4)

Ron ? (12): cried three times (4x3)
Paul ? (1): said 'situation' (1)
Mike ? (7): said 'situation' seven times (1x7)
Vin ? (27): said 'situation' twice (1x2)(I'm including 'snitchuation' in this), brought home random (5), made out (5), smush (15)

Two points:
One, what does it say when Sammi (who we all thought was GONE for the week) outscored J-Woww (who was very much on the show?). Weak week.

Two, I am of the policy that smush points should be awarded liberally. I know we've fought over this, but that's clearly established policy. As such, I think there's sufficient evidence that two bonings were likely this week: Snooki and Vin. Vin is less clear, but when you're making out in your bed with the lights off and the shirt off, trying desperately to get Sitch to leave you the fuck alone, I think you probably got it in. Until MTV makes a premium version where you get to see the action for $9.95 per episode (interesting business venture?), its clues like these which will constitute my interpretation.

That's all from me this week. Remember...



I'm with The Commish on the liberal scoring. Like any other sport the JSFL is most fun when people are putting up big points. Now let's break it down.

Week 8 Line-ups and Points:

Andy: Snooki star (50), Vinny (27), Deena's Kooka (4)
Frog: Ron-Ron star (24), Vinny (27) Snooki (25)
@poloshot: Vinny star (54), Uncle Situation (7), Jwoww (0)
@ckalange: Snooki star (50), Dr. Situation (7), Deena's Kooka (4)
Owen: Ron-Ron star (24), Snooki (25), Deena's Kooka (4)
@mattsisto: Chef Situation star (14), Vinny (27), DJ Pauly D (1)
@mikedashin: Ron-Ron star (24), Deena's Kooka (4), DJ Pauly D (1)
@notpinnock: Jwoww star (0), Ron-Ron (12), DJ Pauly D (1)

Week 8 Team Scoring:

Andy: 81
Frog: 76
@poloshot: 61
@ckalange: 61
Owen: 53
@mattsisto: 42
@mikedashin: 29
@notpinnock: 13

Big Board after Week 8:

1) 658 points (Frog)
2) 622.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 500.5 points (Owen)
4) 476 points (@mattsisto)
5) 463.5 points (Andy)
6) 456.5 points (@mikedashin)
7) 395.5 points (@poloshot)
8) 362.5 points (@notpinnock)


So there we have it after 8 weeks of Jersey Shore Fantasy League action. The guys in the top spot are in a league of their own right now but an unexpected big week from DJ or Ron could change that in a one week swing. Meanwhile the chase for third place is a four man race right now. @NotPinnock is going to have to make some smart roster decisions to keep himself in it. It's always crunch time in the JSFL.

Sometime in the next week or so I'm going to break down bench/star stats for each team to try to see if any teams have an edge having to sit or start any star players. There are probably ten-12 episodes left.

Are teams with Ronnie screwed?

Is it just coincidence that teams that played Pauly D consistentely finish in the bottom of the leaderboard?

That last one was a rhetorical question. DJ Pauly D is more like DJ Disappointment

That's the situation, my Kookas. I'll see you soon with more dirty JSFL action.

Dr. Situation.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ron-Ron Juice Gets the Party Started: Week 7 Points

What's up my Kookas? Let's get these points down! Big action this week. From the Commish:

Subject: Points-Points Gets the Party Started

So, kind of a weird episode this week. A whole lot going on, but not many points. I meant to write this recap right after watching the episode, but I got distracted by something shiny, so a few of my feelings have been forgotten. A few highlights for your beloved Commish:

The triumphant return of Ron Ron juice (maybe when you're looking to fight, you shouldn't be carving a watermelon with a huge knife, looking to blend it with a lot of vodka)

One of my new favorite moments in the show's history: when the fight between Ron and Sam spilled into the smush room, mostly for Ronnie yelling ?I'm gonna fuck three bitches in this bed, and I'm gonna fuck the shit out of them!?. Stay classy, Ron Ron

J-Woww's sex attire. Wow. I wish I had seen that before I met her on Wednesday, though I'd probably end up stammering or panting or... um... visibly aroused. So probably for the best.

Snooki's analogy of the bed and the doorway: does anyone honestly believe her 'pinhole' is as small as she asserts?

That's all I have for the moment. Let's get to points.

At the risk of angering Charlie for the 972nd time this season, I've decided to award the break-up points this week. There was too much evidence at the start of the show that they still considered themselves a couple. Ron and Sam, as such, were the biggest point winners (with Sam crushing it by crying so goddamn much!), with not too much support fro the remaining players:

Sammi : (58): cried a lot (7 times by my count) (4x7), broke up (20x1.5)
Ronnie : (42): cried thrice (4x3), broke up (20x1.5)
J-Woww : (15): sexytime! (15)
Michael : (1): said ?Situation? once (1)

Sadly, that's all the scoring this week. Next week very well could be similar, with a Ron-centric show and no Sam. We'll see how long she's gone, and whether he leaves. Could be an interesting change of dynamic if they're gone for a while.

Finally, today is two of my favorite holidays in one: Pitchers and Catchers, and the anniversary of the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. I hope you enjoy the day by watching old baseball footage, and the History channel movie about the massacre narrated by Paul Sorvino (showing this afternoon at 3pm/est).

Benediction no affliction,
Commish Amsterdam


So how does it all shake out? Let's do this thang.

Week 7 Line-ups and Points:

Frog: Sammi star (116), Ronnie (42), Snooki (0)
@mikedashin: Ronnie star (84), Sammi (58), DJ Pauly D (0)
@ckalange: Sammi star (116), Situation (1), Deena's Kooka (0)
@mattsisto: Sammi star (116), Situation (1), Vincenzo (0)
Owen: Ronnie star (84), Jwoww (15), Snooki (0)
@notpinnock: Jwoww star (30), Ronnie (42), DJ Pauly D (0)
@poloshot: Situation star (2), Jwoww (15), DJ Pauly D (0)
Andy: Deena's Kooka star (0), Jwoww (15), Snooki (0)

Week 7 Team Scoring:

Frog: 158
@mikedashin: 142
@ckalange: 117
@mattsisto: 117
Owen: 99
@notpinnock: 72
@poloshot: 17
Andy: 15

Big Board after Week 7:

1) 582 points (Frog)
2) 561.5 points (@ckalange)
3) 447.5 points (Owen)
4) 434 points (@mattsisto)
5) 427.5 points (@mikedashin)
6) 382.5 points (Andy)
7) 349.5 points (@notpinnock)
8) 334.5 points (@poloshot)


Some final thoughts:

What a swing on the leaderboard! In one week the entire pack has come within 100 points (except for the teams over 500 who are have been taking Ron-Ron Juice to the dome-piece. A little housekeeping though too.

I was thinking about my roster for this week and how with Sammi Sweetheart gone I will not be able to bench anyone. How are we going to handle this rule-wise? Because it is a distinct advantage to not have any players to bench (even if Pauly D I useless this season). But rolling for the rest of the season just with team MVP doesn't seem so bad. I'm hoping we can have a civilized discussion either on the twitter or in the comments section below.

Be well, get some kooka.

Face Down, Ass Up: Week 6 Points

What up, #JSFL kookas?

Points from two weeks ago (the week where Ron got his ass examined) are finally here. First, the Commish' official statement and scoring:

Subject: "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no Idea."

"Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no idea"
Maybe my favorite quote in history.

So, interesting assortment of points this week. Aside from the Deena smush, no real action to speak of. However, if you watch carefully, you'll notice a ridiculous number of randoms being brought back to the house. That, my friends, is where most of this week's points come from.

First, a quick note on judgment calls. I gave Pauly points for bringing home a random in Danielle. I think that, considering they have never smushed, are not in a relationship, and weren't speaking a few episodes ago, her appearance at the house was 'random' enough to qualify this one time. Also, minor note: I gave Sitch one point for being late to work, based on the fact that he was asleep when the girls decided to leave him because they didn't want to get in trouble. It's a safe assumption that he was late that day.

I'm also not giving break-up points this week. This is typical Sam-and-Ron bullshit. It happens every couple of episodes. But I am willing to let it go to an overrule vote.


Sitch: 21 - Random x 4 (5x4), late to work (1)
Ron: (5) - Puke (5),
Vin: (5) - Random (5)
DJ: (10) - Random x2 (5x2)

Sam: (5) - late to work (1), cried (4)
Jenni: (1) - late to work (1)
Snooki: (11) - Make out x2 (5x2), Random (5), late to work (1)
NG: (25) - Make out (5), Random (5), Smush (15)

Finally, I will be going on Wednesday to the Borders Books in Columbus Circle to get my copy of The Rules According to JWoww signed by the author, the lovely Jenni Farley. If anyone is in the city and wants to come, please let me know.

Face down ass up


Week 6 Line-ups and Points:

@mikedashin: Deena star (50), Ron (5), DJ Pauly D (10)
@ckalange: Snooki star (22), Deena (25) Sammi Sweetheart (5)
@NotPinnock: Situation star (42), Ron (5), Jwoww (1)
@poloshot: DJ Pauly D star (20), Vinnie (5), Situation (21)
@mattsisto: Vinnie star (10), Situation (21), DJ Pauly D (10)
Owen: Snooki Star (22), Ron (5), Jwoww (1)
Frog: Vinnie (10), Snooki (11), Ron (5)
Andy: Vinnie (10), Snooki (11), Jwoww (1)

Week 6 Team Scoring:

@mikedashin: 65
@ckalange: 52
@notpinnock: 48
@poloshot: 46
@mattsisto: 41
Owen: 28
Frog: 26
Andy: 22

Big Board after Week 6:

1st) 444.5 points (@ckalange)
2nd) 424 points (Frog)
3rd) 367.5 points (Andy)
4th) 348.5 points (Owen)
5th) 317.5 points (@poloshot)
6th) 317 points (@mattsisto)
7th) 285.5 points (@mikedashin)
8th) 277.5 points (@NotPinnock)

That's how the Situation is situated. Congrats to week 6 point leader @ckalange. I'll be getting to the most recent episode right now. I just have to watch it first.